What Is Radical Acceptance? (And Why It Matters)
By Ashley Miers
When I was studying philosophy in college, I always loved finding the places where religions, theories, and world views overlapped. I felt like truth resided there. That by studying where there was agreement, we could extract the fundamental principles that underly everything.
Interestingly, my recovery journey has been similar. I’ve been blessed by having the opportunity to utilize an array of approaches and modalities, including 12 Step, Dialectical Behavior Therapy, and Kundalini Yoga. One commonality they all share revolves around the idea of acceptance.
This is a regular reading at one of my favorite Los Angeles 12 Step meetings:
“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.
When I am disturbed,
It is because I find some person, place, thing, situation —
Some fact of my life — unacceptable to me,
And I can find no serenity until I accept
That person, place, thing, or situation
As being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.
Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober;
Unless I accept life completely on life’s terms,
I cannot be happy.
I need to concentrate not so much
On what needs to be changed in the world
As on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.”
I always found this reading refreshing and centering. It reminds me to let go of my resistance, to relax and drop my tendency to struggle and fight my way through life. To allow.
And… The 12 Step emphasis on acceptance aligns beautifully with the idea of “Radical Acceptance” in Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Radical Acceptance is accepting reality - the facts - all the way, completely and totally. It is when you stop fighting reality, stop throwing tantrums because reality is not the way you want it to be, and let go of bitterness and resentment.
Acceptance is NOT (and does not necessarily imply) approval. We don’t have to like reality to look at it squarely and honestly and accept the truth of what it is.
An example of this could be a toxic or abusive relationship. We don’t have to approve of our partner abusing us to accept that that is in fact what is happening. And if we don’t accept the truth of the situation - if we stay stuck in trying to escape the pain of the truth by denying, avoiding, or rationalizing it - we can’t address and change the situation. For instance, you can’t get yourself out of a toxic relationship if you’re busy making excuses and justifications for your partner: “I know he doesn’t mean to hurt me, he’s just under so much pressure at work…”
Sometimes we try to pretend that things are okay when they are truly NOT okay, because we don’t think we can stand to go through the pain of facing the truth and making changes. But the truth is that by trying to force ourselves to approve of things that are not in alignment with what is best for us, we set ourselves up for drama and disaster… Over and over again. It’s like trying to build a house on a foundation of popsicle sticks. It leads to a collapse.
Which brings us to why Radical Acceptance matters:
Rejecting reality does not change reality.
Changing reality requires first accepting reality.
Pain can’t be avoided (it is nature’s way of signaling that something is wrong).
Rejecting reality turns pain into suffering.
Refusing to accept reality can keep you stuck in suffering (unhappiness, bitterness, anger, sadness, shame and other painful emotions).
Acceptance may lead to sadness, but deep calmness usually follows (this is the process of GRIEVING).
The path out of “hell” is through misery. By refusing to accept the misery that is part of climbing out of “hell”, you fall back in.
But now here’s the real question… We may know that we need to accept, that we need to be able to face reality honestly and courageously… But HOW do we do it?
Well, that’s where skills come in. Skills we can learn with a little effort and commitment.
If you’d like to learn more about these skills (and many others) in more depth and detail - and practice with me! - click on the button below to learn more. :)